I just wrote my first private post. It felt weird. I don’t know why I’m telling you that- it feels like I’m doing the “Guess what? Oh, nothing, never mind, I can’t tell you” move, which everyone in the world can agree is despicable. But oh well, it’s not like this thing has a backspace… wink.
Dolls, I am 27 now. Wowza. Not like this is a new development, since I’ve been 27 for a few months. I’ll turn 28 several months down the road. And amidst all the adult activity of friends having babies and paying off our cars (and planning a Euro trip, woooot), I have come to a decision.
The time has come to accept myself and like what I see in the mirror.
Now, its not like I hate what I see every time I make eye contact with myself. In general, I’m fine with how I look. But see that adjective I used? Fine. It’s like “nice”. These are meaningless words (me saying someone is nice is almost always shorthand for “seems like a perfectly decent person but has not one speck of personality about them I can draw upon and compliment”.) I don’t want to treat myself like I’m “nice.” I want to think I’m fabulous. I want to stop looking at my hair and thinking it should be brighter, or darker, or highlighted, or whatever. I want to stop berating myself for not going to the gym regularly- I’m in grad school, and I work full time, and I just don’t want to spend the free time and sleep time I have gymming, get over it (that’s directed at me, not at y’all.) I don’t want to keep buying clothes that “will work”. I want to treat me well.
And more importantly, I want to stop questioning me. I want to stop wondering if people think I’m a bitch sometimes when they don’t get my sense of humor, or that I’m stupid if I make a mistake, or that I’m bossy because I’m not afraid to take charge of a situation that no one else is stepping up to. I want to stop questioning my decisions. GOD how I want to stop questioning my decisions. I want to be happy about the path I’m on and not second-guess myself every few weeks, because frankly, the second-guessing is just freaking exhausting and it makes me crazy. I don’t want to stop being introspective and considerate and myself- I just want to stop beating myself up.
So basically, I want to think I’m beautiful and sexy and smart and worthy. And my first step in doing this is trying to treat myself like I am those things (because maybe on some level, I am all of those things.) Tomorrow, I vow to not beat myself up. I vow to put on something I like tomorrow, look in the mirror and be happy, and then to stop the negative thoughts coursing their way through my head throughout the day. I’m going to do this.
And right this minute, I’m going to have a beer and just relax. Because, you know, I deserve it. =)