But half of my heart takes time. Wait, who am I faking for? Like 99% of my heart takes time, and approximately .5% has a grip.
So this may be coming from the fact that I slept/dreamt too much while sick this week (you don’t want details, trust) and it may come from the fact that yet another friend of mine is pregnant (unexpectedly albeit very happily) or from the fact that I am obsessively checking my grad school app page 3 times a day, but I am having some serious issues reconciling the two halves of my heart and head. There is side A, who I will refer to by the reasonable and predictable name of Thomas. Thomas wants me to get into grad school, to complete grad school and to start a high-flying career. Thomas wants me to get my bank accounts in order, FINALLY deal with that 401K that is floating out in the great white somewhere of some bank in Indiana and to become a very secure adult. Then there is Phoebe, who is obviously more flightly and a lot less plan-oriented. Phoebe says screw it all and focus on what you’re really wanting out of life- and what I really want is to start a family. Not tomorrow, mind you, but sooner than 3 years from now (my assumed date of completing grad school).
So here’s where stuff gets messed up. I want to merge Phoebe and Thomas into some moderately cohesive thought pattern that I would call normal. I want to get into grad school, and I want to start grad school- but I think it would maybe be ok to have a baby a year into it. And I don’t know if it’s ever worth waiting to be “ready” and “prepared” to have a baby, because let’s be honest, that will never happen to any of us. The most enthusiastic and grateful mother on the planet will have momentary flashes of, “why did I ever do this?” throughout her motherhood career. But I want a house. I want a solid career. I want all of it (and frankly, I wouldn’t mind a CR-V, which is seriously unsettling as that is what my mother drives). So this isn’t a unique struggle- every female in the modern world has wanted to do all this. But why do I feel so pressed for time? I AM ONLY 26. But also, where the heck am I/we going to get money to buy a house? Where am I/we going to find cash to pay for grad school? Why am I going to grad school to do something that will not pay me tremendous amounts of skrilla? (Answer- because I genuinely love what I do, and most days, that is enough. Today is not one of those days.) And the most jacked up part- I want to have a baby, but I am completely cognizant of the fact that I am having trouble adapting to consistently considering the needs of a DOG. I am nowhere approaching “ready” to take on another human life. And yet, I want to SO much. Even though I don’t want to at all, and I want to go out with friends. Even though I really don’t have the cash money to go out much, which means I certainly don’t have the cash money to pay the $800 grand a kid costs, or whatever the latest figure is. Is this making your head hurt yet? Welcome to Thomas and Phoebe. They are both words I cannot type on a work computer during lunch break.
This is one exceptionally whiny post, and I’m willing to own that. And this weekend, I’ll work on taking apartment pictures to make up for this and to give the blog a bigger dose of sanity than it got today. But as cliche as quarter-life crisis sounds, I get it. And I’m there. Again. It’s 2010- how come no one has figured out the solution to having it all without making your head explode?